The Root of All Evil

2/02/03 @ 9:50 PM

Out of all the ills we, as a society, face today, it would seem the most detrimental of all is being ignored.  No, I'm not speaking of crime, riots, homelessness, racism, or even the regrettable fact that we have television shows like Joe Millionaire.  The social ill that is going to ruin this great nation of ours is rarely mentioned as such in newspapers or magazines, and it is this obscurity that allows it to propagate throughout our society.

It is an ill that thrives in bars and other such places under the guise of entertainment, under the falsehood of giving the little guy (or gal) opportunity, and as so often with other social ills, under the thin veil of leisure.

The social ill of which I speak?   Karaoke.  It has infected nearly every social establishment in every city of our country.  Going out for a relaxing drink without fear of exposure now involves solving a labyrinthine formula of physics, statistics, geography, and astrology.

"Jack's has it on Sundays, Tuesday's and Saturdays."
"Stan's Still has it every other night beginning with the first Saturday of the month."
"Ok, we divide the square root of the number of possible bars, by the number of days until the next full moon and multiply that by the probability of B . . . What does 'B' stand for again?"
"Well that depends, what day is today?"

Educating people in the skill of a tort et a travers vox et praeterea nihil avoidance (or dodgingkaraoke) is perhaps our only true hope. We, as a nation, cannot hope to overcome or even endure this disease unless we make it a firm fixture in the consciousness of the American people.  This, dear reader, is a call to action, nay, it is an appeal to you to 'Just say no' to karaoke.  And should you find yourself in a moment of doubt, simply recite one or more of the following phrases as your mantra.

"Guns don't kill people, karaoke kills people."
"No blood for karaoke!"
"It's not a choice, it's karaoke."

As Uncle Willie used to say:
"Your voice is such as dreams are made of.   Indeed, nightmares."