Look, it's Hiroshima. Oh wait, that's your cake.

2/25/03 @ 12:08 AM                                                                                   Boom.

It's here.  D-day.  That horrific 3 followed by the ominous 0.  I am now officially too old to trust, and all I can offer are some tips for surviving without a domesticated other.

1) Closets, dressers, and laundry hampers are useless wastes of space.  The sole purpose of a dresser is to collect dust, change, and receipts.  Well, that and sobering you up by catching your toe as stumble to the bathroom at 3:00AM. (Note:  Closet doors also perform this function with startling efficiency)  Contrary to popular belief, you do not need these things for clothes.  All your clothing storage needs can be handled by those two metal cubes in the utility room.  Dirty clothes go in the washer.  Clean clothes come out of the dryer.  What else do you need?  I must, however, advise against ironing clothes while you are wearing them.

2) How to fix dinner without dirtying any dishes.  
Preheat oven to 450°
Take one Totino's pizza
Open package, insert pizza into oven.
Place directly on oven rack
Close oven door
Set timer for 10 minutes.   No, you will NOT remember!
When timer goes off, remove pizza from oven and place the pizza on the empty pizza box.
Allow pizza to cool slightly to prevent spontaneous sputtering of epithets.
Roll up pizza like a burrito.
Eat pizza while standing directly over the kitchen sink
If you absolutely must be in front of the TV while eating, the empty pizza box can double as a TV tray.
When finished, place empty box on floor, and after a week or two you will have a stack of boxes that will serve (with a bit of duct tape) as a perfectly good end table.

These are nuggets, folks.  Use them wisely